Enchanted

Who are you? A charmer? A Casanova? Who are you? Because whoever you are you sweep me off my feet as if I’m charmed by something. I become more aware about myself that I get rid of words and become more conscious than a minute before you arrived in front of me- so conscious that I become unconscious about the surrounding as if all of a sudden environment I’m living around has gone into a mute version. Your sudden presence makes me forget all the vocabulary that existed in my mind. And I know no reason for this. I desire to meet you one moment and the moment I meet you I regret that desire because I lose the sense of self.

My mind exercises a lot to find excuses to meet you. Sometimes it really gives funny ideas and I literally laugh alone in my room for having those ideas but when something genuine and realistic comes in my mind I think of making a call then I try to gather all the courage in the world to slide your name on my contacts to call you. I still haven’t realized why I need to gather courage to call you. It’s just a call, after all. It might be because I’m planning a lot about this thing but why do I need to plan at all?  When I get rid of excuses to meet you, I beg the coincidence to make us meet somewhere out of the blue. It’s amazing how big this world is and how small the technology has made it and yet we never meet. Seriously, sometimes even being a Facebook friend doesn’t help.  I’m worse when it comes to keeping up the conversation in distance. No wonder I need to think lots of thing before I talk to you like rehearsing the lines of a drama.

You express out so many lovely things in a joking manner and despite knowing it’s just a joke- a lie, my heart wants to believe every word you said as if it came deep from your heart and I wish it was. I know those are lies but I want to believe every one of them.  When lie seems so beautiful, you expect every fragment of it to be true.

The world where my imagination resides is so beautiful and precious with your presence, that I don’t want reality to peek into it and shatter the whole world like aliens conspire to destroy the world we live in as some movies show. But now I feel like the imaginary walls are breaking off and the reality shall soon break in and I am afraid to see what might be there at the other side. I really hope it is same as it is in this side.

I don’t know what this feeling is either it’s an admiration towards you or just an infatuation or something more than what a word can define. All I know is, it would do no good for me and I can do nothing about it. You really don’t deserve so much of attention from me and I wish I could know the switch off button of this feeling whatever you call it.

Once upon a starry sky

It was those days of spring that didn’t turn out to be beautiful and romantic for her as it would for poets, writers, lyricist and lover. She could see a world of light and a home of her own in those arms of his. He was not her everything because everything  is never equally special, he was that one special gem to her that she would do anything to secure but never had she expressed it out loud not even that day. He asked her one more time, “Do you really want to leave me? Do you not love me?” But never did he assure her that he would settle this problem or sort things out or havoc that he has created in their life. He only asked her if he was important for her not ever mentioning if she was important to him. She stood their silently, on that starry night above a majestic hill that gave a gorgeous view of their city, with him. The lights were shining below them from the houses and above with stars. It would have been a perfect scene to propose someone and make them yours forever but nothing was ever according to scene for them.

Spring was never romantic for them, this beautiful starry night would become the place of their separation, in fact, they fell for each other during fall, the season that has managed its place in field of tragedy; cold like winter wind like stuff. But they managed to break such stereotypes of seasons; they met on fall and parted upon the beautiful night of spring on the beautiful hill surrounded with gentle breeze of wind dedicated most of the time for lovers. They were not lovers, they never were. They loved each other, no doubt on that but no, they were not lovers. She listened to him and after a moment of silence, she gazed at the stars and replied him, “Yes, I love you. I do not want to leave you but trust me when I say this, this is the only thing we can do.

We have tried very hard. This is not the first time we are discussing over the same situation again and again. How long do you wish to continue this? How long are we carrying this chaos with us? I can deal with all this but, the thing is, I don’t want to anymore.” He didn’t utter a word after that. She went towards her car and motioned him in. She drove the car downhill. Both of them never uttered a word. Silence stayed inside the car like a ghost. He loved her a lot but he felt in loss of word to make her stay because somehow deep inside he knew that she was right. He was never going to solve the problem that he has created. Things were not in his hand anymore. So he sat silently while she drove with complete blank expression in her face. An old romantic song was playing on the radio and yet this timing of music happened to be at wrong place. None of them bothered to change the channel. Maybe because they were not listening to the songs played on radio as their heads were filled with noise of past few months.

She stopped outside his house. He looked at her without saying anything. She just stared at the darkness in front of her and said one word, “Goodbye.” Her voice was small and hoarse. It felt like she didn’t want to utter the word but she knew she had to. She didn’t want to let herself get weak again like last time and make both of them suffer. This was right. No fights, no shouts, simple and silent separation. Her want would only lead both of them back to the never ending loop of love, affection, dilemmas, confusion, chaos and anger. 

He nodded and got out of the car. She illuminated the dark road with her car headlights and went ahead towards her home. And he went back to his.

2015

2015 has been a year to let go...

Let go the people you adore

Let go the people who were toxic

While some died

Some chose to leave on their accord

Some were shown door

And some were hard goodbyes

2015 was all about letting go

Letting go things that hold you down

Letting go ego that made you drown

Letting go love that made you weak

And insult you to the peak

Letting go hatred that bottled up

So that,

A New Year has a space for newness

A space for friendships to grow

A space for seeds of success to sow

A space to learn more

A space to gain morality

A space for new chapter.

A Whole New Year Awaits...